This winter I was determined not to let the winter weight gain trap me once again. My weight fluctuates all the time and as normal as this is, it’s a hard adjustment and very taxing emotionally. In order to beat the winter bulge, I started waking up at 4am in the freezing cold to get to gym just when it opened and worked my butt off. While everyone was gaining weight, over achiever Nollie was getting sexy baby.
I don’t know if it’s just me but the closer I get to my goals or when I actually reach my goals, I tend to self-sabotage. My self-sabotaging looks like sleeping in and skipping gym because “one day won’t hurt” or binge eating all the Oreos I can get my hands on. By the time August rolled around I was in full sabotage mode and I’m writing this on the 9th of September at 11:06pm and I can honestly say I’ve gained all the weight + some extra back (overachiever all round). Three months of hard work just gone like that. Am I disappointed? Yes. Do I know better? Yes. Am I only human? Hell Yes.
I just spent an amazing weekend with my sister and niece. All week my sister kept saying that my niece is really heavy and has gained a ton of weight but I didn’t see it till this weekend. My little Shami is looking very juicy. I love spending time with my niece and getting to see life through her eyes. While dressing up for lunch, my sister put my niece in a cute pair of shorts that looked a little tighter on her than usual but Shami would not let that get her down. She tugged at me a few times as she was standing in front of the mirror and I didn’t know what she wanted until my sister said “She’s showing you the shorts. You have to compliment her”. So I began praising her and asking her to turn around. She shamelessly took all those compliments in! She was not hiding away, asking for a dress instead or standing in front of the mirror and criticizing herself. She was standing there in awe of herself in these shorts and she liked what she saw so much so she started getting everyone else involved so we could share in her joy. She turned and turned, danced and smiled in that mirror as we sang praises of her. Weight gain or no weight gain, Shami believes and knows that she is fabulous.
So I’ve gained all the winter weight I tried so hard to not gain but its not the end of the world. Sure I could be a lot smaller and fitter but those Oreos made me REALLY happy and those extra hours of sleep in the morning made me a more pleasant person to be around. I’m so done beating myself up. Those three months of 4am gym were more than just about losing weight but it also taught me character and self-discipline that I’m still using today. I’m not used to my thighs touching but that’s okay because I don’t wear panties so they can help me from not flashing. My jeans are super tight and my boobs are a little bigger (Thank you Lord). Yes I’m heavier and its an adjustment but I want to learn to love myself at any size and not be defined by a number on the scale or my outward appearance. Life is so much better than goals or aesthetics. I want to be accept my fabulous just like Shami.
So I’m going back to the gym with a different mindset: To simply get healthy. Not to look a certain or chase a number on the scale but to be healthy and Shami-fabulous.
With love, Nollie