My year didn’t start off with a bang or anything fancy like that. It was sweet, calm and eye-opening. I expected for things to naturally change and shift since 2016 had been so cruel to me but a few days into 2017 it was feeling like 2016 part II and all I thought was nope nope nope I’m not going through that again. I was lying on the couch just going through my Instagram feed when I saw a photo that said “Nothing changes if nothing changes”. I knew that I landed on that page for reason and as Iyanla Vanzant always says “God speaks in whispers”.
The next day I “broke up” with a man I was/am deeply and madly inlove with (still going through the motions fam). I tolerated and settled for things I shouldn’t have. I’m learning that yes love means loving people at their worst as long as they are trying their best. I sat on my bed and started crying because I realised I didn’t love myself enough to let go long ago. I didn’t want to let go because I believed no one would ever be that nice to me. That no one would want to Facetime with me for hours and listen to never-ending stories. I didn’t want to let go cause I refused to believe that God would make me stumble (we literally meant on Instagram) across this great man and give me a taste of everything I’ve ever wanted just to take him away.It became a toxic cycle and leaving and reuniting because we didn’t want to live without each. So I broke up with him and cried for the next 48 hours.
I got tired of sleeping and crying so I decided to cheer myself up with some Youtube. And again I stumbled on a video of Iyanla on the Oprah show years ago helping this teen girl who had lost herself to her boyfriend and I was sitting listening to Iyanla give this girl the business when there was a moment in the video that Iyanla turns to the camera and says “What did you learn?” and the girl says something and Iyanla stops her and looks dead in the camera and “That you alone are enough”. She said it like four more times really intensely and I knew that I hadn’t stumbled on that video for fun. That was my lesson and that was my whisper for the day.
So you want the truth? I stayed because he made me feel “enough” . Good enough, beautiful enough, sexy enough and every other enough we seek from other people. I don’t think it’s that I had lost myself because I hadn’t. We’ve all been told we’re good enough but have you ever asked why? After I wrote down my list I realised that I was a pretty cool person. My list went something like this:
- I am good enough because I am kind and caring and I go over and above for my friends and people I love
- I am good enough because though I don’t have much, I give with all my heart.
I actually don’t know where I am going with this blog but I know that this is someone’s whisper for the day. I can honestly say that since that eye-opening week of whispers I have changed a lot in my life because I want to see change in my life. I deleted Whatsapp because it’s always irritated me and I stayed for my loved ones and so I wouldn’t seem selfish. I no longer weigh myself. Sounds odd but I want to enjoy my food this year and taste yummy new flavours without feeling guilty or thinking about weigh in day. I cut my hair and stole the show. I spontaneously booked a vacation for myself and my friend. I wake up every morning and do my morning affirmations and declare the day to be beautiful. I always say declare it so God can hear it.
Since changing things I have seen positive change. I’m a lot closer to my family and friends (without Whatsapp). I am 2.8kgs heavier and sleeping like a baby cause my extra fat cuddles me and holds me tight. My skin is so much clearer because I hardly wear makeup anymore because I feel beautiful enough without it. And most importantly I feel so good! I don’t mean to brag or anything but I feel so beautiful these days, I’m laughing so hard and dancing in the dark when everyone has gone to bed. This is not to say I don’t have crap days but there are way more good days than bad all because I made a few changes and things changed.
So take a good look at your life and change the things that don’t make you feel good enough or don’t bring you joy or things that you are too dependent on to make you feel good about yourself . The change you want to see begins with you.
With love, Nollie.