Sleep or swim.

I know the saying is ‘sink or swim’ but let me explain. Whenever I go through a very hard time I resort to two things: sleeping or swimming. I recently lost someone dear to me who I wasn’t ready to lose and my heart was so sore! Anyone who has experience heartbreak knows the experience is so surreal and it hurts every second of everyday and all you want to do is be numb. Some people resort to partying, drinking, taking painkillers or just anything that helps you not feel and me, my cure is sleep. I sleep because when I’m asleep my mind is quiet and I’m not overthinking myself into a migraine. I sleep because for a few hours I get away from everything and it doesn’t hurt. I sleep because in dreams everything perfect and people don’t leave you and they choose you every day and love you just as equally. I sleep because it hurts too much to be awake.

But this time around I just couldn’t sleep. I didn’t want to isolate myself and lose precious days I would never get back over someone who probably isn’t affected by this. This time I wanted to swim. I love to swim. I love being underwater and submerging myself. Under water I feel everything. I love floating and letting the water carry me. Floating helps me let go because I know there is something that can carry me even when I can’t carry myself. That water gives me strength. I love to swim. Reminds me of a saying by Isak Dinesen quote: “The cure for everything is salt water: tears, sweat, or the sea.” And this for me is so true! I cry, I work out and I swim. Little by little my heart feels less sore.

When I think of my university career all that comes to mind is recurring heartbreak. I am so grateful for all this pain otherwise I would have never dealt with things and found myself. Everyone’s journey is different. Some of my friends found love, I lost love. Some lost loved ones, I’ve became an aunt to two amazing babies. Some did not make it past first year; I have two months left of my final year. We are all so different from the people we were three years ago but we’ve embraced our own journeys and continue to grow. I know my heart break and the people I have lost were meant to be in my path. I would not be as compassionate and loving as I am if I had not gotten my heart broken.

Do I still believe in love? YES! Now more than ever babes. But I know the greatest love I can ever have is for myself first. I’m sure one day I’ll meet someone who will see the magic in me and want to witness life’s ups and downs with me but I’m not waiting to meet them. I’m living in every moment and just having fun. If you are going through a tough time right now, know you are not alone and find your healing place and go there when you feel weak. Mine is the swimming pool and yours may be the gym, church, a book, a garden but whatever you do, do not let pain divert you from your journey.

“Just keep swimming”- Dory

With love, Nollie.

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