I cant stay, I need to sleep.

This week I’m letting go of love cause it no longer feels like the way it did when it arrived. I’ve been making excuses for someone who doesn’t bother to excuse themselves and let me know they’ll text me back in the next three days. I’ve been holding myself off and restricting myself for a person who has so many restrictions on how to love him. Half the time waiting for a reply and the other half I’m wondering if my reply was alright. Alright is a word I use a lot. When I’ve had a terrible day and need to talk, he’ll ask and because I don’t want to waste my limited replies he gives me explaining terrible day so I lie and say ‘alright.’ How are you and *****? We’re alright I’ll reply. My alright means I’m holding myself off to a man I have not spoken to all week but for some reason he believes I should wait on him. See although we’re apart, distance was only a word to explain why I’m not in his bed or he in mine. But lately the further away we drift apart from one another, the more this ‘distance’ word my friends speak of starts to speak to me.

Distance is a master manipulator. Distance cuddles with me on those lonely nights and starts to whisper in my ear to tell me I’m not the only one. Distance suffers from insomnia and doesn’t mind waking me up at 2AM to ask me if I know who he was with tonight. Distance is ever so accommodating and invites doubt into my bed. Doubt lies on your side of the bed and helps me question every reply you send. See I want to trust you and I love you so much it hurts but I just refuse to love a man who loves me only when he remembers to. It’s like I’ve become a chore. Something on your to do list. Your list grows longer and longer of things to do each time we speak and the further you push me down the list. Remember when I was your Queen? When you would wake me to tell me you just dreamt about and how you can still feel my little fingers in between yours. When you were fascinated by this short smart mouth Swati Goddess with a big heart but crazy attitude.

Somewhere somehow I let you believe I was yours and you became comfortable with the idea that I would never leave. How could I know better? When a dreamy chocolate God-fearing man walks into your life, you don’t question God fam, you fall madly and deeply. Let me not reminisce of when it was good otherwise I’ll never walk away. You’ll be the first to say ‘you’re giving up’ and I’ll reminder you that you cannot go to war by yourself. I’ve been fighting your inconsistency and half hard efforts and I refuse to lose anymore soldiers. I’m letting go and not knowing where I’ll seek refuge next or who will take me. Your territory once felt like home but now I am the unwanted guest. The ‘I don’t know how to tell her to leave’ guest.

You push me away because it’s the only way you know how to leave someone you love and that’s okay my love. We both came into this as flawed beings just looking for peace. You have given me a type of love I never thought I’d find for myself and I’ll always be grateful for our moment and time. I’m a better person having being loved by you and you’re a greater man having brilliantly handled a Queen like me. But this week I need sleep. Distance and doubt only agreed to leave when you do. So this week I’m letting go of love cause it no longer feels like the way it did when it arrived.

-Nollie

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