I have a friend who is one of the kindest and most beautiful souls I have ever met but she struggles severely with insecurities. I have tried everything to show her how amazing and beautiful she is but I guess she needs to see it for herself. I just wish she could see herself the way I see her. But what I find interesting is that she thinks she’s the only one who battles with their insecurities. I have told her countless of times that we all go through this battle. When I was in primary school I had the most amazing skin on face and body and I prided myself on this little did I know what a bitch puberty really is. My version of puberty was growing taller, bigger boobs and the odd pimple here and there but nothing I wouldn’t be deal with. I was so so wrong.
I didn’t grow much taller, my boobs hardly grew and my skin broke out like crazy! I was probably the most insecure I’ve ever been when I was in high school. Everyone around me and in my family had these beautiful big boobs and flawless and I was this ogre. None of the guys liked me and I was constantly teased for my acne and dark complexion (don’t even get me started on that dark skin vs light skin thing). The more I tried to fix my skin, the worse it got. I used to cry myself to sleep at least three times I week. I couldn’t look people in eye because I was sure everyone was just looking at my skin. On top of this I gained a lot of weight and I started to get stretch marks which wouldn’t stop coming. Puberty agrees with some people (Damn you Kylie!) and puberty really goes in on others.
I hated the way I looked. I eventually went on Accutane after begging my mother and it worked wonders for me. My skin cleared but the side effects were insane! Besides the dry lips everyone talks about, no one mentions the DEPRESSION. How are you going to give a miserable person medication that will make them depressed?! Anyway that was an experience and a half. At the same time that all this happening, I was in the most toxic relationship. We were together for almost 3 years. During this time, I was cheated on several times and this made me feel even more worthless. I blamed the way I looked for him cheating and thought that if only I was prettier then he would stop. To make it even worse, he cheated with people I knew including one of my then best friends (this is why I have trust issues yall!). It was only after the abuse became physical that I knew it was time to leave. I left and never looked back.
“When we talk about putting ourselves first, we are really talking about knowing our value. You can’t do that without understanding the truth of who you are.” Mikki Taylor
During this time, I devoted myself to reading a lot and watched a lot of documentaries and stories on self-worth, worthiness and acceptance. I knew I couldn’t live with the hatred I had for myself. Something in me was just tired. Tired of being sad, tired of constantly comparing myself to others and tired of hating something I could not change. I had been dragged through hell and back. And it was only during this time that I realized that our only problem is that we think we are alone. There are so many people going through what we are going through. I also learned to accept myself. Accept my nonexistent boobs, stretch marks, acne scars and every other insecurity. I looked at it like this, I could hate myself for the rest of my life or I could live with it. You have to be honest with yourself and accept that it literally is what it is.
“The kind of beauty I want most is the hard-to-get kind that comes from within–strength, courage, dignity.” Ruby Dee
Three years later, my boobs never grew any bigger, I never grew taller and my skin broke out once again but this time it didn’t affect me as much because I knew there is so much more to me than how I look. I know I am kind, I have good intentions, my heart is pure and I’m a great friend. I can be irrational and unstable but I am a work in progress. I have made peace with the fact I will always be a part of itty bitty titty committee and I’ve embraced it (#FreeTheNipple). My skin will never be what it once was and that’s okay and as for the stretch marks, stretch marks come with the big booty duty so I’ll deal with it.
Just make peace with what you cannot change. It’s such a waste of life hating what you are. Insecurities are only as powerful as you allow them to be.
“WE GET SO WORRIED ABOUT BEING PRETTY. LET’S BE PRETTY KIND. PRETTY FUNNY. PRETTY SMART. PRETTY STRONG.”- BRITT NICOLE
With love, Nollie.