Let go of what’s killing you, even if it kills you to let go.

Let go of what’s killing you, even if it kills you to let go.

Whatever you just thought of when you read that, let it go.

Anyone who knows me knows that I have (had) a tough time with letting things go. I would sit in self-pity and beat myself up about all the things I could have done better. But I’ve come to realise that self-loathing eats at the soul. It makes you magnify all your faults and dims your greatness. When I broke up with my ex I regretted it so much. People found it bizarre that I was hurting so much when it was me who broke up with him but I didn’t mean to end it the way I did. I was in a dark place filled with frustration and hurt and it felt like when I needed him most, he wasn’t there so I figured that I’d be better off dealing with things myself and I broke things off.

A few days later I regretted it so bad and tried to reach out to him but he was so hurt that he wanted nothing to do with me. I was shattered. My reasoning was ‘I’m not the first girlfriend to break up with one out of frustration am I?’ And it’s true, I wasn’t but I had made my bed and it was time to lay in it.

I missed him terribly everyday and I would beat myself up every time. Until one day I was reading an article and there was a quote by Maya Angelou that said “when you know better, you do better” and a light bulb in me just lit up.

When I broke up with him, I was doing what I thought was the best decision for me then. I was acting in the best interests of myself. I felt I deserved better and I needed more and I felt like I could give these to myself without having someone so I did what I did because it felt like the right thing to do.

I had to believe and own my action. I know what is best for me therefore in that moment I must have acted in a way that was right for me. Don’t get me wrong, I acknowledge my wrong doing and selfishness but it’s what I knew to be best for me in that moment. I acknowledge that I could have been more mature about the situation and I could have handled things differently but that doesn’t take away from the fact that when we were together I was a bomb ass girlfriend who tried and tried and did the best she could and when she couldn’t do it anymore, she did was she thought was the best for her and she left.

There is nothing that you could do now that will change the past. Acknowledge and take responsibility and let it go. Take your lessons from your mistakes, put them in your purse and go. Shake the hand of regret and self-loathing and thank them for having you over but you’ve over stayed your visit. Put on your best shoes, turn off the Drake CD and leave your pity party. You came, you cried then you learned and now it’s time to leave.

All you have for certain is this very moment you are in right now. You know better now and therefore you will do better. And I will repeat that there is nothing in this moment that you can do that will change the past, let it go my love.

You didn’t get into the school you wanted because your marks were shit? Cool! You acknowledge that you should have studied more and you move on and make a plan. Didn’t get the job you prayed so hard for? Cool! You acknowledge your shortcomings and work on becoming a better potential employee. You broke up with your ex and apologized and he still doesn’t take you back? Cool! You join the gym and become really hot and make that person regret not begging for you back (kidding!)

Don’t waste another moment thinking of what you did wrong. You messed up and IT IS OKAY! You are not your mistakes but the responsibility you take, what you learn and how gracefully you let go.

‘when you know better, you do better’

With love, Nollie.

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