You’ve just started walking and you’re beginning to talk. I know you’re only 14 months but you’re sticking your tongue out in pictures so I figured that you’ll probably start reading my blog soon and realize how crazy your aunt is. And yes I’m crazy, irrational but I’m funny as hell and you’ll probably come to my house when you need to attend the party of the year cause your mom said no so be nice to me and laugh at my jokes.
So I’m bored at work and thought I’d give you some tips on what not to do when you start partying. How I wish someone had to me this!
Tip 1: If the heels are hurting you before you leave the house, DO NOT leave the house wearing them! Doll you have a few hours ahead of dancing and running from cops because you are underage so if those heels hurt in the comfort of your own home DO NOT WEAR THEM OUT!
Tip 2: When doing your make up DO NOT have a dramatic eye and bright lipstick. Pick one! I look back at my old pics and I scare myself. I looked tragic
Tip 3: DO NOT STUFF YOUR BRA. I stuffed my bra once on a date and things did not end well. By the end of the night my boobs were not in proportion and some of the sock was sticking out. Its okay to be part of the itty bitty titty committee. Rep your team well!
Tip 4: DO NOT DRINK BEFORE A DATE. I was so nervous before a date (I still get really nervous) so I decided to take a few shots before I left the house. I had not eaten cause I wanted my tummy to be flat (how stupid?!) in this skimpy dress (don’t judge me) I was wearing. By the time I got into the safe cab I was so drunk. I don’t remember much of the date but I remember I had the worst hangover ever.
Tip 5: Do NOT MIX YOUR DRINKS. Pick one drink to drink the whole night and drink that. Your mother and I once mixed drinks before going clubbing and when we got into the club it wasn’t pretty. There is something about throwing up and hearing you sister throw up in the cubicle next to you that bonds you for life #SisterSister
Tip 6: You’re going to be the older sibling so you won’t get to use your older sister’s ID but if you happen to have a younger sister and she needs to borrow your ID because she’s underage, just borrow her! Trust me there is nothing cool about being the older sister that messed up the plans for the night. Its just an ID. Its replaceable if she happens to lose it because she’s an inexperienced drunk but your younger adorable sister is irreplaceable.
Those are the most important but I’m sure you won’t listen and probably do all of the above but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Oh and I love you!
With love, the coolest Aunty in the World.