The other night a guy that liked me invited me out to go have drinks with him and his friends. I was having a stressful week and a glass or bottle of wine sounded amazing (and wine is just always a good idea). So off I went looking forward to just letting loose. I know he liked me but we hardly knew each other and having his friends there made the atmosphere casual and chill. The night went well and I was buzzed (blame the R10 glass of wine) and finally feeling at ease until it happened. And by it I mean the part of the night when you’re having so much fun and the guy pulls you away cause he needs to “talk” and when he does start talking you realise what it is about. It was the “I like you and want more” talk. The talk I wasn’t ready for and the talk I had been so desperately trying to avoid. After a long “talk’ he gave me an ultimatum, we were either going to be black or we were going to be white. I was in the grey area which lead to us being black. Black means we no longer talk.
I recently heard someone say “hurt people, hurt other people” and this I find to be so true. There have been several times that I used someone for love and affection because I was hurting. I used that person for attention and as an escape but we all know that only time can heal wounds. So even after all the love and affection from this person is giving you, you realise it still isn’t enough. Its not that the love isn’t enough, its that the love isn’t coming from the person you want it to come from. You then after being so selfish you know have to let this kind soul go. Most fight to stay on and tell you that they’ll be patient while you deal with your issues or that they’ll help you and heal you. So you stay and the more they try to make you happy, the further they push you away. You are still longing for someone else. Then after trying you realise that it really isn’t going to work and you let them go and this time you really let them go. That person is crushed and doesn’t understand what they did so wrong but it really wasn’t them, it was you. You then hurt that person by making them feel that they weren’t enough.
I have been single for a while now and as much as I crave love and affection, I’m not going to use someone for it nor I am going to hurt someone else because I’m hurting. I tried several times to sell the ‘friends with benefits’ idea to myself but in all honesty, my heart is too big and I’m too crazy. I’m still dealing with my heartbreak from my ex and yes its been a while and yes I hate that I miss him and yes I hate that its taking me so long to get over him but that’s a big enough reason for me not to be involved with someone else right now cause I have shit to deal with by myself, for myself.
So when I told him I as in the grey area, it came from a caring place cause I didn’t want to cause him the same hurt that I was feeling. The world has enough hurt people.
Next time someone friendzones you, rather be thankful that someone didn’t go for you for their own selfish needs or that they are settling with you until someone better comes along or that they are just simply using you cuddles. Take the rejection for what it is and move on. Find someone who is just as passionate about you as you are for them.
Another thing, there is nothing wrong with being alone. Heal your own heart.
With love, Nollie