Every time my best friend sees me she always greets me by saying “Hey sexy!” I think in her eyes I’m probably the most sexual being she has encountered in a while. But I haven’t always been in touch with inner sexual being. I used to be shy and afraid to express myself sexually and when I did, I did it for the approval of man. This all changed when I read an article on Rihanna where she speaks openly about being a sexual and being unapologetic about it. We all know unafraid Rihanna is to express herself in every aspect of her career which goes along with her ‘I don’t give a fuck’ attitude. It was all great to read the article thinking ‘Go girl!’ but I was left wondering who taught her to be so open? Why is she so unafraid? When will I be sexually liberated?
I then started to dissect my own sexually. My childhood has nothing to do with it so don’t expect some psycho dynamic stuff. I just wanted to know why I was so afraid of being sexual. Then I began to realize that I always judged girls who weren’t afraid to express themselves sexually because I associated them with sleeping around (how ignorant?) and I didn’t want to be known as a girl who sleeps around as I had witnessed how many of these girls had been scrutinized and shamed by society. I’m not judging anyone who chooses to engage in many sexual encounters but it just wasn’t for me. I’m very conservative when it comes to sex.
So I went home and just began to stare at myself in the mirror. From bottom all the way up. I realized how much I liked how my wide thighs and how they bought out the shape of my body. I stared at my African booty which had been envied by many (Thanks God!) and then I went up and realized how I loved the way my waist gets smaller from my hipbone and how this brings out my silhouette. The way my tiny boobs were in perfect proportion to my waist. I liked how my collar-bone popped out when I would tilt to the side. How my muscle less untoned arms made me feel feminine. I just stood there and stared at God’s creation and fell in love and found my sexy. My sexy looks exactly like me. It doesn’t need a tiny dress and heels. My sexy was in the way I felt about myself and how good I felt about myself. It really had nothing to do with what I was wearing but more about how I felt about self and not what someone else thought of me.
From then on I began slowly but surely becoming sexually liberated. I wasn’t wearing provocative clothes or sleeping around, that isn’t sexuality. Sexuality is about embracing yourself, knowing what you like and not being afraid to say so. Wearing what you want to wear regardless of the situation or who is around you. Just being yourself and loving your body and embracing your interests. But along with this liberation came with a lot of criticizing. A lot of the men in my life were taken back my new liberation and would pass comments but that wouldn’t phase me because I know they were just intimidated. Men love it when you are sexy for them but when you are sexy for yourself they tell you that you’re attention seeking or that are ‘thirsty ’or that you need a man who you will tone you down.
I began to realise that women’s sexuality was not owned by women but rather by what men thought is sexy. And you know what? I’m calling bullshit on the whole thing! I will not allow for a man who does not have the same bodily challenges as me to define what is acceptable or sexy. Men do not know anything about being a woman therefore should not have a say in women’s sexuality. I go out and wear what I please, dance on as many poles as I want, come alive when I hear Rihanna’s ‘Pour it up’ and then leave the club feeling all sexy cause I did what I want and had fun with it. And no man’s compliments from that night were taken into consideration for my sexy. My sexy is the way I feel about myself.
I then made it one of personal life goals to liberate as many women in my life as I can. Be your own kind of sexy and own it. Trademark your sexy! Do not let a man define or anyone else define what sexy is for you. The clearer you are about your sexuality, you lesser chance you have of being taken advantage of because you know who you are, you know your body and you know what you like.
And embracing your sexuality doesn’t mean sleeping around or that you are loose. Do not let society’s ideologies restrict your sexy. So go on, put on some red lipstick, pour yourself a glass of wine, light yourself some candles, dance to some Beyoncé and find your sexy and then own it.
“Does my sexiness upset you? Does it come as a surprise that I dance like I’ve got diamonds at the meeting of my thighs?”- Maya Angelou